the ugly business of getting old as fuck

my mom just texted me to let me know she's in the hospital with my grandmother, who fainted and "looks awful". she was admitted a few weeks ago for pneumonia. then she had been discharged for a few days when she got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and became disoriented. she ended up in the kitchen, fell over and almost broke her nose. today she threw up and then passed out.

my grandfather died from cancer-related complications three years ago, just as my grandmother's dementia was getting worse (i think the stress of the situation sped things up). she obviously can't take care of herself so we put her in the best assisted living facility we could afford with her medicare/medicaid benefits. she has been treated very well there and the nurses tell me how much they love her and how great she is every time i go to pick her up to spend some time at home with us, but like all old people, she feels trapped, alone and unloved, a situation only made worse by her rapidly deteriorating mental state.

she has no problem letting us know that she constantly prays for death. it's heartbreaking but i think if i were in the same state i'd probably want to punch my ticket too. i see death as another level of life, not the bitter end. most people i've talked to about departed loved ones still feel their presence and everyone says things like "oh she's in a better place" and "he's still with us even though we can't see him" and shit like that. so what is so horrendous and unspeakable about wanting to die already? i feel like i'm obligated to tell her to cut that shit out and enjoy the life she has left, even though i don't really believe it. why not be able to die with dignity when you don't feel your life has any quality left? if you've lived a good life, how can passing on be any worse than being sick and suffering and watching yourself fall apart?

i love my grandmother. it's not that obligatory, we're-related-so-of-course-i-love-you love. she's been a big part of my life since her and my grandfather permanently relocated from puerto rico to miami when i was still in elementary school. she is sweet and goofy and compassionate. she knew how to cook a chicken 500 different ways (all delicious). to this day, she refuses to leave the house without loads of silver jewelry. with the very little money her and my grandfather had, she would not be seen without her hair curled and styled and a full face of makeup. she gave me her awesome rack, her A-shaped, wide-legged stance, her adoration of dogs and her unapologetic commitment to looking totally banging at all times, even on the tightest budget. she had this dalmatian named francesco, who she fed orange juice and ladeled gravy over his food. he was never neutured and she was constantly laughing and marveling at his gigantic black nads. at her old house, she would spend hours outside in their little patio, perfectly content just chilling in her tiny garden of papaya trees and bougainvilleas.

i miss my grandfather like crazy but his last years were difficult and painful, and he was so afraid of leaving my grandma behind because she had been completely dependent on him throughout their whole marriage. it wasn't the healthiest of relationships but they loved each other to death and i know she just wants to be with him again. his last words were something to the tune of, "i'm going peacefully knowing i have such a great daughter and granddaughter to take care of my wife."

we have taken the best care of her we can these last few years, even though it never feels like we're doing enough because she's still so miserable. at least she has us. i hate to think of all those old folks out there that have been neglected and left to die alone in a shitty nursing home because they have no one or their family is too selfish and cowardly to confront the reality of old age.

update:
my mom gave grandma's doctor a Do-Not-Resucitate order "in case anything happens." did he present that as an option just to cover all bases or is this shit really serious? i wish my mom would pick up her fucking phone.