Monday, July 13, 2009

how rude!

1. spitting. unless you are choking to death or have accidentally ingested a foreign object, there is no excuse for spitting anywhere other than a locked bathroom. you are gross and uncivilized.

2. rageaholics. we all get pissed. this is especially true at work. but it is super lame to make everyone around you tense and uncomfortable because you can't control your crazy-ass hockey temper. if this is happening more than once a week, you need some sort of therapy or at least a damn yoga class. chill, brah.

3. hypochondriacs/the chronically "ill". ever notice how those two usually go hand-in-hand? stop bitching to me about your constant headaches and go see a fucking doctor already! it's probably not a tumor but after two weeks of your incessant hemming and hawing, i will start to wish it was. the stress you cause other people could very well manifest itself as a deadly illness so by that logic, you are a murderer. shut the fuck up already and go to a doctor so he can tell you you're not dying before your stupidity kills someone else.

4. the food critic. please keep your comments to yourself when you rob me of precious seconds of my lunch time to ask what i'm eating, only to go "EWWW" or "oh gross i HATE ___". you know what? i didn't fucking ask you for your dumbass opinion and now, not only am i insulted, but you have just let everyone within earshot know that you were raised wrong as hell and your parents probably gave up on their responsibility to bring a well-mannered adult into society before you made it to jr. high.

5. the editor. i will confess i was a repeat offender of this behavior and i have since rectified that shit. i do not have an english major and i got NO business running around correcting people's spelling and grammar. as you can see, i take great liberties myself (my rule: if you learn the rules, you can learn to break them). if you don't know the difference between there/their/they're and your/you're, you probably don't give a shit, don't appreciate me calling you out for not paying attention in junior year english comp, and my snooty comments are not going to prevent future errors. in fact, you probably kick loads of ass at math and/or science but i didn't notice because i was too busy vomitting over a misplaced apostrophe. this will never cease to irk me but being a rude-ass grammar nazi and goose-stomping all over your dicked-up sentences is a greater crime.

6. the joker. when you announce to everyone that you laughed so hard during a sad part in a movie where everyone else was blubbering, it just shows that you're an asshole that will disagree with everyone else for the sake of, well, DISAGREEING WITH EVERYONE ELSE. more than likely, you are also...

7. the most interesting person that has ever lived. don't even bother telling that story about how you saw some dude go nuts at this post office this afternoon if TMIPTHEL is around. he/she will cut you off to tell everyone how that's nothing compared to the harrowing bank robbery they lived through! did you see a barracuda when you went snorkling last weekend in the keys? well he fought a fucking great white with his bare hands. and won. you can't win. the only reason to keep inviting these fools anywhere is so later on you guys can laugh at all the outrageous bullshit they had to sputter out to convince everyone that they are still interesting.

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