Monday, July 13, 2009

how rude!

1. spitting. unless you are choking to death or have accidentally ingested a foreign object, there is no excuse for spitting anywhere other than a locked bathroom. you are gross and uncivilized.

2. rageaholics. we all get pissed. this is especially true at work. but it is super lame to make everyone around you tense and uncomfortable because you can't control your crazy-ass hockey temper. if this is happening more than once a week, you need some sort of therapy or at least a damn yoga class. chill, brah.

3. hypochondriacs/the chronically "ill". ever notice how those two usually go hand-in-hand? stop bitching to me about your constant headaches and go see a fucking doctor already! it's probably not a tumor but after two weeks of your incessant hemming and hawing, i will start to wish it was. the stress you cause other people could very well manifest itself as a deadly illness so by that logic, you are a murderer. shut the fuck up already and go to a doctor so he can tell you you're not dying before your stupidity kills someone else.

4. the food critic. please keep your comments to yourself when you rob me of precious seconds of my lunch time to ask what i'm eating, only to go "EWWW" or "oh gross i HATE ___". you know what? i didn't fucking ask you for your dumbass opinion and now, not only am i insulted, but you have just let everyone within earshot know that you were raised wrong as hell and your parents probably gave up on their responsibility to bring a well-mannered adult into society before you made it to jr. high.

5. the editor. i will confess i was a repeat offender of this behavior and i have since rectified that shit. i do not have an english major and i got NO business running around correcting people's spelling and grammar. as you can see, i take great liberties myself (my rule: if you learn the rules, you can learn to break them). if you don't know the difference between there/their/they're and your/you're, you probably don't give a shit, don't appreciate me calling you out for not paying attention in junior year english comp, and my snooty comments are not going to prevent future errors. in fact, you probably kick loads of ass at math and/or science but i didn't notice because i was too busy vomitting over a misplaced apostrophe. this will never cease to irk me but being a rude-ass grammar nazi and goose-stomping all over your dicked-up sentences is a greater crime.

6. the joker. when you announce to everyone that you laughed so hard during a sad part in a movie where everyone else was blubbering, it just shows that you're an asshole that will disagree with everyone else for the sake of, well, DISAGREEING WITH EVERYONE ELSE. more than likely, you are also...

7. the most interesting person that has ever lived. don't even bother telling that story about how you saw some dude go nuts at this post office this afternoon if TMIPTHEL is around. he/she will cut you off to tell everyone how that's nothing compared to the harrowing bank robbery they lived through! did you see a barracuda when you went snorkling last weekend in the keys? well he fought a fucking great white with his bare hands. and won. you can't win. the only reason to keep inviting these fools anywhere is so later on you guys can laugh at all the outrageous bullshit they had to sputter out to convince everyone that they are still interesting.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

fiscally responsible

i need to walk into this situation. look at that dude balancing stacks of cash on his lid. i just gave my girl pooka some sound financial advice. weird coming from me, the girl that could not get her money game together to save her life. i think my parents going from financially comfortable to super stressed out and pinching every penny just to keep from losing our house has really put things into perspective. i don't want to turn 25 with shitty ass credit from one stupid credit card that i simply didn't feel like paying off. i don't want to be living at home into my 30's. if i decide i want a house, i want to be able to walk into a bank and have those fools kissing my feet, throwing cash at me like roses at a bull fight.

i've been doing little things at work like paying close attention to what my supervisor is doing. i'd like to learn enough that i'm considered a hot commodity, therefore entitled to a fat paycheck. i think the insurance industry is morally ambiguous at best, and the fucking antichrist at worst. we've all been screwed by insurance companies. i'm just trying to get ahead in life, and i suppose if you have a problem with something, what better way to change things than from the inside?

i still have my mad skillz as a hair stylist. maybe i'll take this fall to get ready for the state board exam and get that shit out of the way already. i don't want to be a career hair stylist and i'm really excited about going back to college for journalism, but it's nice to know i have the skills to generate a little extra flow when it's needed, or a plan b if shit gets too real.

i've been wanting to get a place with the boo for what seems like an eternity. he tends to be overly cautious and i tend to be a crazy asshole so hopefully by the end of the year, we will meet somewhere in the middle and find our little love nest. i'm trying to get a good wad together so we can get a dope ass pad with wood floors, a new kitchen and lots of sunlight.

also totally acceptable:

Monday, July 6, 2009

the ugly business of getting old as fuck

my mom just texted me to let me know she's in the hospital with my grandmother, who fainted and "looks awful". she was admitted a few weeks ago for pneumonia. then she had been discharged for a few days when she got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and became disoriented. she ended up in the kitchen, fell over and almost broke her nose. today she threw up and then passed out.

my grandfather died from cancer-related complications three years ago, just as my grandmother's dementia was getting worse (i think the stress of the situation sped things up). she obviously can't take care of herself so we put her in the best assisted living facility we could afford with her medicare/medicaid benefits. she has been treated very well there and the nurses tell me how much they love her and how great she is every time i go to pick her up to spend some time at home with us, but like all old people, she feels trapped, alone and unloved, a situation only made worse by her rapidly deteriorating mental state.

she has no problem letting us know that she constantly prays for death. it's heartbreaking but i think if i were in the same state i'd probably want to punch my ticket too. i see death as another level of life, not the bitter end. most people i've talked to about departed loved ones still feel their presence and everyone says things like "oh she's in a better place" and "he's still with us even though we can't see him" and shit like that. so what is so horrendous and unspeakable about wanting to die already? i feel like i'm obligated to tell her to cut that shit out and enjoy the life she has left, even though i don't really believe it. why not be able to die with dignity when you don't feel your life has any quality left? if you've lived a good life, how can passing on be any worse than being sick and suffering and watching yourself fall apart?

i love my grandmother. it's not that obligatory, we're-related-so-of-course-i-love-you love. she's been a big part of my life since her and my grandfather permanently relocated from puerto rico to miami when i was still in elementary school. she is sweet and goofy and compassionate. she knew how to cook a chicken 500 different ways (all delicious). to this day, she refuses to leave the house without loads of silver jewelry. with the very little money her and my grandfather had, she would not be seen without her hair curled and styled and a full face of makeup. she gave me her awesome rack, her A-shaped, wide-legged stance, her adoration of dogs and her unapologetic commitment to looking totally banging at all times, even on the tightest budget. she had this dalmatian named francesco, who she fed orange juice and ladeled gravy over his food. he was never neutured and she was constantly laughing and marveling at his gigantic black nads. at her old house, she would spend hours outside in their little patio, perfectly content just chilling in her tiny garden of papaya trees and bougainvilleas.

i miss my grandfather like crazy but his last years were difficult and painful, and he was so afraid of leaving my grandma behind because she had been completely dependent on him throughout their whole marriage. it wasn't the healthiest of relationships but they loved each other to death and i know she just wants to be with him again. his last words were something to the tune of, "i'm going peacefully knowing i have such a great daughter and granddaughter to take care of my wife."

we have taken the best care of her we can these last few years, even though it never feels like we're doing enough because she's still so miserable. at least she has us. i hate to think of all those old folks out there that have been neglected and left to die alone in a shitty nursing home because they have no one or their family is too selfish and cowardly to confront the reality of old age.

my mom gave grandma's doctor a Do-Not-Resucitate order "in case anything happens." did he present that as an option just to cover all bases or is this shit really serious? i wish my mom would pick up her fucking phone.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

werkin on mah fitness

i have another 6 weeks to get in shape before my first ever cruise. i don't want people to think we were whale watching when the pics end up on facebook so i'm busting my ass at the gym to undo some of the damage i've done to my body for the last 7 years when i was eating taco bell every night like it was all good.

clockwise from left:
- blackberry 8900 with incipio case. i love my phone but it was my 2nd choice because the iphone just wasn't gonna happen. anygay, checking twitter and facebook keeps me entertained during those long cardio seshes on the stationary bike. the tv's at the gym only have like cspan and espn, which is what will be showing on tv if i go to hell. things i don't care about: economics, sports.

- prada butterfly glasses. maybe when i slim down and my face isn't so fucking fat, i will actually look good in these. motivation!

- korres pomegranate face wipes. i usually hit the gym after work so all that makeup i put on at 7:30 AM looks frightening before i can get 10 minutes into my workout. i keep these in my gym bag so i can swipe it off in the locker room before i scare everyone off.

- lolita lempicka eau de parfum. one spray keeps me and my gym bag smelling good as hell no matter how many gallons of sweat i produce.

- essie nail polish in really red. a month ago i popped into VN nails for a pedi. i picked a really dark shade but changed my mind after picking up the may issue of Elle as i waited for my girl marta to hook my feet up. inside was drew b-more looking fucking fantastic and wearing the most banging shade of tomato red on her hands and feet. i asked marta to color do a color match and we agreed on really red. it's a welcome change for the summer from my usual wicked or lincoln park after dark and i'm sorry, but having grody feet is unacceptable, especially during friday night judo classes when your tootsies are on display. are you broke? mix up some sugar with hair conditioner and scrub it on your heels, then file your nails and throw some sheer pink polish on. sha-nay-nay feet: not a good look.

- hellz bellz gun it duffel. i need this in my life, that corporate run bag i stole from mom's closet is not working for me.

- free weights. i was under the impression that all i needed was some cardio and i'd be fine. free weights keep your body tight while the cardio melts the fat away. building lean muscle also helps you continue to burn fat hours after your workout, as opposed to cardio that burns calories only while you're actively doing it. let some weight training into your life if you don't want to look like a walking scrotum.

- nike shox. these are some almost unforgivably ugly kicks but i will tolerate them because they keep my feet extremely happy for the long haul. just to know how hot my legs are gonna look in a pair of heels after all those long, hard hours at the gym are worth doing time in these monstrosities.

- just some fuckin water bottle. stay hydrated, assholes! it keeps you from feeling like shit while you work out, helps your skin stay smooth and your belly stay full between meals so that you will be ok ordering a salad for lunch instead of inhaling steak burrito because you're starving and desperate.

- juicy earrings. i have no problems admitting that i love juicy couture but this is not typical juicy. no bows, no pink, no velour. just a pair of pretty sparkly earrings that go from the office to the gym to dinner at the in-laws. it's nice to know that even though i'm sweaty and disgusting, i still have something pretty and feminine attached to my head.

- aveda damage remedy shampoo and color conserve conditioner. this is the ultimate one-two punch for fucked up, color treated hair. i have processed the shit out of my hair for years and damage remedy keeps it looking healthy while color conserve conditioner keeps my red from fading to orange (a common problem for bottle redheads) between color appointments.

Monday, January 26, 2009

behold, a pale bloggess.

Much like my wasteful collection of paper journals that are never fully used (I really never even make it past 10 pages before I stop writing in them), here is ANOTHER internetized outlet for all the ridiculous things I think of and the sometimes terrible, bust mostly hilarious consequences that carry over into my personal reality.